I am so angry

I am so angry that there are iron spikes shooting out of my back, and we all know what that means. I'm going to have to buy a new shirt. I will send Jackson the bill.

I am so hurt that I want to find a cave and lick my wounds, but the shadows are too deep.

I am so eager for a fight that my fists itch, and my teeth ache.

I am so choked with sorrow for John, and DK, and Ben, and Rockne, and them all, that I want to cry breathless tears, yet quite strangely fear R would think less of me. I am not one to hide from tears. Never have been.

I am so incapable of processing violent collective emotions, of shielding myself, that I don't want to open my inbox ever again.

I am so tired that my mother will have a massive coronary when she gets off the plane and sees me in a few hours.

I am so warmed to feel John still smiling over my shoulder -- that I think he is a silly man with horrendous timing, but the wisdom to be much further along the path than I am. I will catch up; he will drag me.

They should have the wisdom to fear, but they don't.

I will blog calmly and reasonably tomorrow -- about plans and tactics, pep-talks and digging in, loyalty and endurance, families to protect, carrying on for tired friends while they rest. Love stories and beginnings. Myself and the freedom of space. My freedom. Stars and a starry-eyed John.

I feel now. I think later. I have earned it.

Marry, bless her heart, has gifted me with time.

Sorry, I must now climb on top of my house and burst out laughing, before I scare my new neighbors.

This... this is... this is it?

Do I look stupid to you? No, don't answer that question.

This is an exciting place to be

This is an exciting place to be. I wonder how far the writers will allow me to travel on his vector before he hits a wall. They let him fall all the way down in season two. I have confidence that they will let him crash in all his glory in season. Although I might be slightly biased by Into the Hell.

In the meantime, the evolution is being deftly handled, at the proper pace. He didn't pull back from Anna all at once. In JJ, he realizes that he is still in the game when Anna tells him exactly what he wants to hear. 'I came back for you. I just want to be with you.' John, however, no longer sees her as the Anna in the white dress. He sees her much as the audience does; he's clueless, but a lot closer to reality than he was in either DB or CK.

Concurrently, his affect has grown flatter and flatter until that one last scene in the hallway, where it's so flat one would think he took Anna's lakka extract. I don't believe he did, although I can envision a rationale either way -- if one doesn't see the lakka as the heroine an addict takes to forget, but more as the opium warriors took to foster fearlessness and strength before battle.

From a writer's point of view, it was amazingly structured, each reference was used to its fullest extent. John has a purpose. For real. Textually, the relationship between John and Anna needed to go in a new direction, and I believe this is it. Even if Aeryn still creeps me out mildly. And I wonder who was watching the game. Who was the third eye?